when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
