You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
