Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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