I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
