WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
