i used baking grease as lip gloss
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize