I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
