His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
