After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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