After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
