Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
