omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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