You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
