I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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