Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
