My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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