the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
