do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you had me at cake vodka
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
