i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
