Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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