Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
