My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize