the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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