i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My vagina is officially offended.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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