you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
