when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
