This is not my ceiling
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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