fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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