i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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