my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
