One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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