oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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