There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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