Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
