The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize