You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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