I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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