you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
