plz talk dirty to me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize