I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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