Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
