I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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