So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
