two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
