I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
