I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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