Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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