I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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