I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize