Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
