he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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