you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
