There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
