I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
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