11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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