after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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