Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and she was petting her beer can
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
