i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
