are you still at the devil's house?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
