3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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