Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
