I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
